Humor
WARNING: Parents, this page is not appropriate for children!
This page is about things that I find funny and amusing and sometimes it is a little bit twisted. I wouldn't feel right about posting this page without spending a second in remembrance of the funniest man I ever knew. He was most definately the funniest man in my family. He is my late cousin Sam Kinison. People interested in checking out Sam's Official Website can do so by clicking on his picture. We love and miss you Sam. Rest in Peace Cuz!
Rock On Cuz!
Humorous Uberpics
This is a collection of pictures that I find hilarious. Click on the thumbnail to see the larger image. I used to have short one line captions that went with these images and eventually I plan to write a web application that will display the image and caption in a seperate window, but this will have to do for now.
Terrible Terry Tate, the office linebacker
If you haven't seen any of these Reebok commercials, well then you are in for a treat. They are freakin' hysterical. You need Apple Quicktime or a compatible viewer in order to watch these clips. If you don't have one you can get Apple Quicktime here.
Terry
Tate Office Linebacker in "Terry's World"
Terry Tate Office Linebacker in "Draft
Day"
Terry Tate Office Linebacker in "Vacation"
Terry Tate Office Linebacker in "OSPN"
Terry Tate Office Linebacker
in "Sensitivity Training"
Jokes, Riddles, and other such shit
Ok so now I hope that you have figured out that this page is probably not suitable for your 10 year old. So if you are an adult, please continue, and if not, I know who you are and I am gonna tell your parents you were reading this smut.
The Guys' Rules
We always hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are
the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.
NOT both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL heterosexual men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Good Advice
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before
you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Never be afraid to try something new.
Important Tax Reminder
Have you paid your taxes......??
12 million illegal aliens are depending on you
A man walks into a bar. He sees
a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up
behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen,
I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't
matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat
out love it."
He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
I got stopped for speeding the
other day and I thought I could talk my way out of it...
until the cop looked at my dog in the back seat.
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, "Well, that's great ......... that's really great........., some asshole's got my pen!"
Two Prostitutes
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00"
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have
to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer," How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled, "Their
sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and
drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed
the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign
which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
Indian With One Testicle.
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So
named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone
not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around
and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,
Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all
the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years
went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named
Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????............................
OH, come on..take a guess!
Think about it.
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is:
...You can't kill two birds with one stone
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house
and asked her, "Grandma, what is that thing called when people are
sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken back, but decided that her responsibility was to
tell him the truth, "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Johnny just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play
with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"
Little Johnny
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
Asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."
"That's better," replied the teacher, "but it's still not
very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little
Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Little Johnny said, "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom
I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted...
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising
agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having
fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick
contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created
a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs
Lawyer and a Cop
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He
thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New
York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says,"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop
or just slow down?"
A Bottle of Merlot
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman
he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman seated over there", indicating the
sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided
to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response,
took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return
this to the woman.
It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars
in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would
I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
Why I fired my secretary . . .
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned
out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the
office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your
birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks
Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined
instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane
said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back
to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said,
"Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss,
if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll
be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying
a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked
Police Jokes
GOOD:
In Richardson, a Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect
spot to watch for speeders, but he wasn't getting many. Then he discovered
the problem. A 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted
sign that read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer then found the
boy's young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS"
and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded through
the mail with a photo of handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Texas State Trooper walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I'll bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball" He
replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a
moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing
too hard to start her car.
Blonde Police Joke
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde
cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse
and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Blonde Contest Winner
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've
won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
Lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won
a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have
that as a prize."
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
(Scroll down!!)
(You're going to love this)
WINABAGEL
Masturbation
The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized
his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the
side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the
truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm,
he felt a quick tug at his pant leg.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your
truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
On a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane
passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful and things go from
bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular
loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane "I'm too young to
die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I
want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane
who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then
a man from Wisconsin stands up in the
rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair
and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
...One button at a time...
...No one moves...
...He removes his shirt...
...Muscles ripple across his chest...
...She gasps...
...He whispers...
"Iron this, and then get me a beer."
The Kite
I was in my back yard yesterday trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up
in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing
back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the
while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself
how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."
I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up
your mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite."
Three strangers strike up a conversation
in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary Alberta, while awaiting their
respective flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame
Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the
University of Calgary from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their
diverse cultures. Soon, the two westerners learn that the Arab is a devout,
radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy
leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips
his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing
tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane
comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose
that is?"
The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause
we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."
A man was sitting on the edge of
the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her
birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the
mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later
they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach
felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal, an extra
order of fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well
Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her facial expression suddenly changed. "I
meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story?
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs.
Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times
its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With
a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn't read your homework, and
3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
The Koala and the Little Lizard
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks
past, the lizard
looks up and says, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says, "Smoking a joint; come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have
a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and
is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned
that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this
and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side.
The crocodile then asks, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking
a joint with the koala in the tree, and that he got too stoned and then
fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check
this out and walks into the rain forest.
He finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks
up and says, "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says . . . "Fuuuuck, dude... how
much water did you drink?!"
Ralph Nader, Al Gore, and George
W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun.
After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's
room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance. He said:
"Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature,
a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will
be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something false,
you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for
all eternity!"
The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Ralph Nader stepped
up and said, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three," and
he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.
Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us
three," and in an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to
fund his next Presidential Campaign.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush
looked into the mirror and said, "I think...," and was promptly
sucked into the mirror.
A sexy woman went up to the bar
in a quiet pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face
closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything
I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running
her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of
her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand
soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Did I Say That Out Loud?
This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're
saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical
info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's
face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently
said (or rather implied) she picked up her books without a word and walked
out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the
professor's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue
and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."
A Vacation to Jerusalem
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they
were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The
man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The Test
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It
was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two,
wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly
bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little"
sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings
desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to
make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to
her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned-frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled
off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for
a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the door. I opened
the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future
family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Pope Selection
As I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals first choice. That was,
interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.
Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man,
aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and
spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943
and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a
chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting
his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.
In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver
mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer
last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed,
and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including
the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave
him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar,
mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to
the Papacy.
They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying
purple Papal leader.
Beer, Fishing, Golf, and Sex
A
man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for
dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man
asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I
need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played
golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the
homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a
man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
Female and Male Prayers
Female Prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.
Male Prayer
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen.
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.She knocked on the door
then immediately walked in.She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying
on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume
filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work." The daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed again.
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her
husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?"
The Hypnotist
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat: I do not have a
headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. It worked!
The headaches are all gone!"
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes
home, rips off his clothes grabs his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows
him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and
saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
~~His funeral service will be held on Monday.~~
Why we split up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I
caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come I had to give
up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty
for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
A woman decides to have a face-lift
for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving
she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old
do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the
counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks a senior gentleman the same
question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when
I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of
her.
She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this,
she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 47".
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell?"
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
This morning, from a cave somewhere
in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United
States and Canada that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban
authorities will cut off America 's and Canada 's supply of convenience
store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Dell and Sprint customer service reps.
It's getting ugly.
I was barely sitting down when I
heard a voice from the next stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre
so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another
question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I say
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
The train was quite crowded, so
the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat only to find
that the only seat left was occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French
woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I please have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said in a huff to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is obviously using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again but the only seat left was that
occupied by the poodle.
"Please Ma'am," he again said to the woman, "May I sit down,
I am awfully tired?"
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
The Marine didn't say another word, just picked up the little dog, tossed
it out the window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor and put this terrible
American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. Now,
sir; you've obviously thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
Brains
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
A teacher noticed that a little
boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch,
and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He
was quite embarrassed and he whispered that he had just recently been circumcised
and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about
it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion
at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find
him sitting at his desk with his tallywhacker hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick
it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Here's a truly heartwarming story
about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers
that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child
the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction
crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's
5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going
on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually
the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted
her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to
do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week
they even presented her with a 'pay' envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay"
she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When
they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the little
girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fucking sheetrock."
Husbands
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle;
I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
been married ten times?"
Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.
Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
the-art method.
Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.
Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...........God I
miss him.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?"
"You're with the 'GOVERNMENT."
"This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
The Correct Way To Come Home Drunk
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to
the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in
the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at
me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet, then use the full flush, throw my shoes
in the closet, undress in the bedroom and then jump into bed and slap her
on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNEY?!?!' and she acts like she's sound asleep.
It works every time."
The REAL Old West
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an Elderly
man standing at the bar who in his day, had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!
Harley Davidson vs Women
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "ya, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes a lot of noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed but finally spoke, "Excuse me but
aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions.
2. It chatters constantly, at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited
for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours."
Beware New Computer Viruses
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses
of mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes
little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails
everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will
be back.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
care.
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy
... then discards it through Windows
Doctor Dave had slept with one of
his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:
Dave, Dave,
You're a Veterinarian
Taking a wee break from the golf
circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
was.
"Top of the morning' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his
cap.
As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be using' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.
"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"
First Kiss...
So, it is your first kiss and several questions come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
Should you use some tongue?
Then you lean in and just go for it....
Marriage Funnies
Little funnies about being married.
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
A man and his wife are dining at
a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken
lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to
drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?"
At a cocktail party, one woman said
to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other woman replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she
is married.
Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy,
how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true,
Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive
him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.
Husband and wife are waiting at
the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few
minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife
and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind
man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking
of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to
him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."